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The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina...
The owner of a small crossroads store in South Carolina was appointed postmaster. Over six months went by and not one piece of mail left towm. Deeply concerned, postal authorities in Washington wrote the postmaster to inquire why.They received this short and simple explantion: "The bag ain't full yet."
Drummer problems
|A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Traffic Court
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
'What for?' he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, 'Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!'
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. 'That's all right. You don't have to pay now.'
The young man replied, 'I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words.'
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.
'What for?' he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, 'Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!'
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. 'That's all right. You don't have to pay now.'
The young man replied, 'I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words.'
Stupid Office Tricks 2004
Alright, Stupid Office Tricks 2004. Let us know your scores. NO CHEATING. CONTACT US with detailed scoring. We will post the highest scores and comments on the main page in a few weeks. Good Luck!
One-Point Gags
--------------------
· Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
· In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
· Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
· Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
· Run one lap around the office at top speed.
· To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
· Walk sideways to the photocopier.
· When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
· While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Three-Point Gags
-------------------------
· Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
· Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
· Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
· Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
· Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Five-Point Gags
----------------------
· After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "The report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
· Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two."
· At lunch time get down on your knees and announce "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
· At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra 3 points if you actually launch into it yourself).
· Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?"
· Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
· Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
· For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
· Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
· In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights."
· In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
· Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"
· Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
· Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
· While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
· While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.
One-Point Gags
--------------------
· Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
· In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
· Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
· Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
· Run one lap around the office at top speed.
· To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
· Walk sideways to the photocopier.
· When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
· While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Three-Point Gags
-------------------------
· Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
· Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
· Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
· Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
· Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Five-Point Gags
----------------------
· After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "The report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
· Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two."
· At lunch time get down on your knees and announce "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
· At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra 3 points if you actually launch into it yourself).
· Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?"
· Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
· Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
· For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
· Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
· In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights."
· In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
· Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"
· Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
· Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
· While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
· While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.
Resumania II
"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Marital status: often. Children: various."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"Finished eighth in my class of ten."
"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
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