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Not that my wife is the jealous type or anything, but one day at work...
Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work, I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project. As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for my return. The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs. Moore, I'm so happy to meet you. I'm your husband's new secretary."Within a single heart beat my wife quietly intoned, "OH ? Really ? Were you ???"
Murphy's work laws
|MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Stupid Office Tricks 2004
Alright, Stupid Office Tricks 2004. Let us know your scores. NO CHEATING. CONTACT US with detailed scoring. We will post the highest scores and comments on the main page in a few weeks. Good Luck!
One-Point Gags
--------------------
· Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
· In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
· Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
· Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
· Run one lap around the office at top speed.
· To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
· Walk sideways to the photocopier.
· When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
· While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Three-Point Gags
-------------------------
· Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
· Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
· Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
· Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
· Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Five-Point Gags
----------------------
· After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "The report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
· Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two."
· At lunch time get down on your knees and announce "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
· At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra 3 points if you actually launch into it yourself).
· Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?"
· Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
· Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
· For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
· Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
· In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights."
· In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
· Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"
· Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
· Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
· While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
· While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.
One-Point Gags
--------------------
· Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
· In the middle of a meeting, suddenly shout out "Yahtzee!"
· Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
· Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
· Run one lap around the office at top speed.
· To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
· Walk sideways to the photocopier.
· When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
· While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Three-Point Gags
-------------------------
· Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
· Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
· Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
· Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
· Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Five-Point Gags
----------------------
· After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "The report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
· Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two."
· At lunch time get down on your knees and announce "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
· At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra 3 points if you actually launch into it yourself).
· Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "Ya wanna trade?"
· Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
· Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
· For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
· Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
· In a colleagues diary, write in 10:00 am "See how I look in tights."
· In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
· Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now"
· Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
· Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
· While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
· While talking to a colleague, pick your nose.
Inspirational Messages Redefined
17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
11. We put the "k" in "kwality."
10. 2 days without a human rights violation.
9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
5. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
2. Plagiarism saves time.
1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
11. We put the "k" in "kwality."
10. 2 days without a human rights violation.
9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.
7. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
5. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
2. Plagiarism saves time.
1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard IX
Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines andpick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely whenin conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have tounderstand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
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