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Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you.
"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you."THIS MEANS:1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.2. He is not in complete control of his hands.3. His emotions are shattered.4. His skin is numb.5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.8. He is in an isolation tank.9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake.10. He is feeling others.:)
Final Exam Paper
The student*not necessarily a well-prepared student*sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk. "What to write? He sighed,and began to scribble whatever came into his head,hoping for the best.
1.No need to boil.
2.Cats cant steal it.
3.Available whenever necessary.
Um.So far so good...maybe.But the exam demanded a four-part answer.Again,what to write?Once more he sighed.He frowned.He scowled.Then
sighed again.But suddenly,he brightened.He grabbed his pen,and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4.Available in attractive containers and different sizes...
1.No need to boil.
2.Cats cant steal it.
3.Available whenever necessary.
Um.So far so good...maybe.But the exam demanded a four-part answer.Again,what to write?Once more he sighed.He frowned.He scowled.Then
sighed again.But suddenly,he brightened.He grabbed his pen,and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4.Available in attractive containers and different sizes...
How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?
How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.
Room For That Business
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
A walking economy
|This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."
The friend asks, "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
The friend asks, "How so?"
"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
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