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Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you.
"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you."THIS MEANS:1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.2. He is not in complete control of his hands.3. His emotions are shattered.4. His skin is numb.5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.8. He is in an isolation tank.9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness to fake.10. He is feeling others.:)
Stock market report
|Today's Stock Market Report:
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
A small analogy
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.It's done on a very high level.There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.And it takes two years to get any results.
Accounting Interview
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying
job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education,
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator
(he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he
wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job!
He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very
curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even
though he got such a simple question wrong.
The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education,
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator
(he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he
wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job!
He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very
curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even
though he got such a simple question wrong.
The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
Did you pay taxes?
|A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
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